I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
