They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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