just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize