That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
