Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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