Pregnant stripper...not hot.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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