he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My feet surprised me
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
