Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I party with great urgency now.
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