you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize