It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
