Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
