we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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