Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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