Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
