i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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