So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
