as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
