someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
