It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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