i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
