I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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