Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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