I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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