Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
