Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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