I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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