my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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