I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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