I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize