I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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