somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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