hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
