worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
