We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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