Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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