She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
