I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
