My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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