Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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