Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
