our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize