she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I looked at my own cervix.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
