I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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