My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
