I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
