Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
