just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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