I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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