I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
