I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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