He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
