Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
