we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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