i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize